


Accident

by orphan_account



Category: Free!
Genre: Drowning, Heart Attacks, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Relationship, Pining, Wishful Thinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-03
Updated: 2014-08-03
Packaged: 2018-02-11 14:04:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2071122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It wasn't from swimming butterfly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Accident

For a while after the accident, Rin could only wonder how nobody ever noticed.

Even in the numbing fog that occupied his brain for the past three-and-a-half weeks, Rin couldn’t help but obsess over it. All the little markers, all the obvious signs were clearly there – how could nobody not notice? How could _Sousuke_ not have noticed?

But Sousuke was a dedicated swimmer, especially at the butterfly – despite his initial hatred of it. Becoming such a good swimmer wasn’t without its injuries, though, and even when he was young he’d frequently be seen with an icepack or a bandage on some part of his frequently-aching body.

The years of training and conditioning had taught him to ignore the minor pains and distract himself from the major ones until he had the free time to attend to them. The strange pains he felt must have just…become yet another thing to ignore until he got around to doing something about it.

Of course, despite his less than stellar self care, it couldn’t be denied that Sousuke was a great swimmer; Rin certainly wouldn’t. He had a vague fascination with watching Sousuke swim that seemingly started back in elementary school, when they’d spend hours slaving over his form and technique, moving to the community pool when the school finally sent them home for the day. Initially Sousuke’d been reluctant, not being used to the whole “forced into joining the swim club” idea. And until Sousuke could match Rin’s skills, the two rarely shared a kind word.

But when Sousuke met, even surpassed Rin’s butterfly skill level – that was when the redheaded boy began to take notice. A growing enjoyment of watching his friend, the way his muscles moved rhythmically under his skin, the way the water divided as if in awe of his speed. A small part of him wondered if this was okay – if it was normal to look at Sousuke this way. Even as a child there was a nagging feeling of guilt. How dare he look at his friend this way? _But Sousuke doesn’t kno_ w _,_ he reasoned with himself one night, after his staring had become so blatant that he almost crashed straight into the wall of the pool. _Even if he did, he wouldn’t stop me because it’s normal to inspect his form. I_ am _the best he knows at swimming butterfly and it’s my job to teach him as much as I can._

Even Rin couldn’t believe his feeble attempts at reassurance. Day after day passed and Rin grew increasingly desperate – but fortunately, he didn’t have to be for long.

One sudden move to Australia was all it took to finally break Rin’s fears. He was going to a prestigious swimming school, one of the best in the country, and there’d be no time to reflect on his feelings – could he even call them that? It was nothing more than a passing childhood crush - and after a while, Sousuke would forget him.

Deep inside, somehow, he knew that it wouldn’t work out so perfectly. Because when Rin came back from Australia, he was still there, and Sousuke had absolutely _not_ forgotten him. Rin didn’t know what was worse: the sweet rush of relief he felt when Sousuke greeted him like a cherished friend, as if he’d never even left – or the crushing and frankly ridiculous disappointment he felt when he knew he’d never be anything more.

It was after the first official swim practice at Samezuka that Rin started noticing something wrong. The normally cheerful Sousuke had grown distant. He and Rin shared their special handshake, the one they’ve had since childhood (frankly Rin was astounded that he still remembered), but there was none of the usual light in his eyes. He dodged Rin’s attempts at catching up and ignored all offers of swimming like they used to. “I wanna see if you still swim as well as me,” Rin jokingly said, and Sousuke gave him the blackest glare he’d ever seen in his life.

But finally, after days of pestering and begging, Sousuke relented.

The first time in the Samezuka pool, they had a simple race. Butterfly, of course, so Rin could judge his progress.

“Let’s see how your butterfly looks,” Rin said. Completely innocently of course – Rin absolutely didn’t want to see Sousuke in the pool, rivulets of water running down his chest, giving him that same heart-stopping smile he remembered from childhood. Absolutely not.

But something had been wrong. Sousuke’s breathing was labored and shallow after a single lap and he was sweating bullets despite the cold water.

“I haven’t been swimming in a while,” Sousuke said. “I must be out of shape.” The pained look in his eye as he rubbed his left shoulder didn’t go unnoticed.

Rin made a move to ask what was wrong, why he seemed so out of it, but Sousuke put up a hand to stop him.

“I still swim butterfly, just like you taught me.”

And Rin assumed that was the cause of his pain. Recurrent, windmilling arm movements degrading the cartilage of his shoulder joint to the point where it created a moderately severe injury. A common problem, but a problem nonetheless, and Rin urged him to get help for it.

“At least rest once in a while, Sousuke.” That was what he’d said, and it earned him a laugh. They kept swimming like this after practice for several weeks – they stayed behind while everyone else went home. It was peaceful, Rin thought, and he enjoyed being back in the company of an old friend. There was something incredible about a simple reconnection.

Of course, there was always the lingering dissatisfaction. But it was easy enough to tamp down – Rin _had_ been doing it since he left Japan, after all. And even if he started getting hung up on Sousuke again, he could always distract himself with swimming. However, unlike Sousuke, he couldn’t swim endlessly. Eventually he got tired, slowed down, hung underneath the water just a moment too long. That was when Rin _knew_ it was time to go, before something happened that he couldn’t stop. Before the soothing, narcotizing feeling of being underwater lulled him into a sleep he couldn’t wake up from.

Unlike Sousuke, Rin knew his limits.

Limits like how many laps he could swim in a row before tiring. Limits like how long could he chance staying late in the Iwatobi pool before someone caught him. Limits like how to understand the signals his body was sending him. Limits like eventually somebody, everybody, _anybody_ would wonder why they felt shooting pains when they breathed deeply, or why they felt so nauseous all the time, or –

Wondering “why” was never something Rin was good at. It was so much less difficult to just stop thinking and move. Too many possibilities with “why”, Rin always thought.

_Like why didn’t he tell anybody?_

Looking back on it, Rin should have noticed. Sousuke wasn’t the same man he remembered from elementary school.

The Sousuke he knew back then would’ve been concerned with what was happening to him.

The longer Rin watched him – watched him stumble getting out of the water, watched him puke behind the bushes at school after a particularly rigorous practice, watched him throw his health away – the more pissed off he became. It shocked him how offended he was over something that could have been nothing at all.

So, the next Saturday, he waited in the Samezuka gym until Sousuke showed up for his ritual weekend practice, and tried to act like he didn’t care. _Desperately_ tried to act as if the rage was coming out of friendly worry, and not years of suppressed affections and wishful thinking about the life they could’ve had together.

He was so _pitiful_.                                                                                  

Rin didn’t know why he was getting so worked up over nothing. “It can only be from swimming, it can’t be anything else _but_ swimming,” he told himself, over and over, repeating it like a mantra in his head until he could pretend that it was true. But the more he repeated it, the more he believed it, and the more he believed it the more disappointed and furious he was with himself for not caring, for trying to push the issue off on someone else – but maybe pushing it off to someone else might have been the best thing for him.

Like Makoto. Even if he didn’t know what was going on, Makoto could’ve tried to get him help, tried a lot harder than Rin did.

Rei was smart. Rin had a gut feeling that he’d have been able to figure out immediately what was wrong.

Nagisa could’ve wheedled it out of him eventually, with his cheery personality. Even _Haruka_ might have handled it better than he did.

Why did Rin, of all the bullheaded people, have to try and solve this alone?

It sickened Rin how angry he was - but it wasn’t even anger, and he knew that. Rage had long since mutated into blind, desperate fear.

Fear about his life. What if something was really wrong? What if he got seriously injured? What if – what if he _died_?

The very idea chilled Rin to the bone and sent spikes of terror up his spine. Sousuke – Sousuke couldn’t die. _Does he know how important he is to everyone? To_ me _? Does he just not care? Does he_ want _to die_?

Rin shouted those thoughts and more until he was red in the face, and Sousuke sat eerily calm, watching him yell. Neither of them could remember the last time they fought and it nauseated Rin how much he enjoyed yelling at Sousuke, turning all those years of bitter pining into pure mania, but even Rin could only pretend for so long because somewhere in the one-sided shouting match Rin had screamed _I love you_ , and that’s when it got silent.

Cold, cold silence.

_Please, please don’t say that you heard that, please –_

The only sign that Sousuke had heard was his slightly widened eyes, and for a moment, Rin imagined that he never said anything at all. That he was still in bed, thinking about Sousuke, and not standing in the deserted Samezuka gym at eight in the morning on Saturday screaming at his best friend.

And then Sousuke spun on his heel and walked quickly into the pool room, face red and hands shaking.

Rin simply stared at him as he left. The transparent glass doors gave him a direct, albeit blurry, look at Sousuke, as he went about his weekly ritual.

As if nothing had even happened.

Rin brushed off the queasy feeling in his chest, brushed off the paranoia, brushed off the idea that if he didn’t go in there and say something then nothing would ever be the same again.

He took a single, tremulous step forward, reached for the handle. One more step. Just one more step and then he could hear the love of his life explain that he just didn’t feel that way about Rin, that he only loved him like a brother, that Rin spent all those years daydreaming about their future together for nothing.

And then he leapt back from the door, and he ran. He pretended like he didn’t see Sousuke aggressively shoving his clothes in the locker, face still burning scarlet. He sprinted all the way home, barely registering the burning in his chest and the leaden feeling in his legs.

_Why am I acting like this? This isn’t me, this isn’t me, this isn’t me at all._

His own actions horrified him.

Rin burst through his front door, ignoring the questioning cry of his sister, wanting nothing more than to lie down and pretend nothing had happened, like he hadn’t ruined the relationship with one of his closest friends.

The rest of the night he spent on autopilot. Changed into his pajamas, brushed his teeth, crawled into bed and pulled the covers over his head – he discounted all of it. It was as if nothing mattered.

When he woke the next morning, he woke too early, and the stillness of the world alarmed him. He instinctively checked his phone for a message from Sousuke – ever since he got back and learned of his Saturday habit, Rin wanted a text from him when he was done swimming. “So I know you got home safe,” Rin had said, and Sousuke smiled and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

“You’re always looking out for me,” he’d responded. The very memory sent a warm glow throughout his whole body, until it was crushed by a sudden icy bolt of panic.

There was no message.

Rin hurriedly threw on his clothes from the day before, thoughts churning in his head.

_I don’t know if he’s okay._

_I don’t even know if he made it home._

For the second time in almost twenty-four hours, Rin was racing as fast as he could, away from safety and towards what felt like the barrel of a loaded gun, aimed directly at him and waiting to splatter everything he ever loved against the cold concrete sidewalk.

The run to Samezuka was shorter than he remembered. His whole body felt sluggish, too heavy in the cold morning, and he had a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. It felt like a monster’s icy claws scraping at his heart. The sun had barely started rising, leaving a gentle orange tint that barely illuminated his surroundings.

The unfitting serenity was ominous.

As expected, the front doors were locked, but Rin had learned long ago about the best places to sneak in for a swim. It took him only a few moments to pry the grate off the wall, fumbling with the clasps in the frigid air, before he was able to worm his way inside. It was a tight fit but nothing in Rin’s brain was registering right then except thoughts of Sousuke. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he recognized the sounds of sirens, and the familiar grinding of Sousuke’s mother’s car, but he had no time to stop and look because he had to save Sousuke.

With a dull thud, he landed on the tiled floor of the gym, back to the water. The pool cast ethereal lines and swirls on the wall, a strange and beautiful pattern that he was always content to lose himself in as a child.

His back was to the pool, and he couldn’t turn around.

Not when he knew what he’d see.

Because splitting those beautiful loops and arches was a large humanoid blank spot the perfect size and shape of Sousuke.

Harsh, ragged gasps reached his ears.

Rin desperately wanted to believe they were Sousuke's, having spent all night in the pool, too tired to even swim to the edge, in a dead man’s float to recover.

Even he couldn’t delude himself that much.

Rin waited one beat, two, then three, four, five – and whipped around to face…it.

Sousuke’s body. His best friend’s bluish, bloated corpse, floating face down in the pool. The boy he grew up with, sodden chunks of flesh breaking off to drift gently alongside him. The man that he loved, a quickly decomposing carcass.

Rin barely registered the shrill, violent sobs reaching his ears, and he certainly didn’t know they were his. He certainly didn’t feel the hands of paramedics yanking him towards the exit and leading him to the ambulance, and he _certainly_ , without a shadow of a doubt, didn’t see Sousuke’s face as they fished him out of the water, tongue swollen, eyes glassy, face so engorged with water that when his mother touched it – touched her son’s face one last time – it ruptured, spilling greasy yellow fat and gooey strands of muscle into the once-pristine pool water.

He saw _nothing_.

Later on, after making perfunctory attempts at reviving Sousuke, they took him to the hospital and declared him dead at eight twenty-four AM. The same time as Saturday, when Rin came to Samezuka to try and convince Sousuke to get help. The same time as Saturday, when Sousuke was still alive and not a distended corpse floating in the one place Rin had always felt safe.

The doctors went on to explain to Rin and Sousuke’s mother what they both instinctively seemed to know. Sousuke had a heart problem, a bad one, that developed after Rin left for Australia. It would have been treatable, and even curable, if they’d caught it in time. His heart was weakening over time and Sousuke was supposed to stop swimming for the rest of the year, and let his heart rest.

But both the doctors and his mother agreed: Sousuke would have known _exactly_ what was happening to him. And he would have known _exactly_ what was happening when his heart began seizing in the pool, and – the doctor supplied haltingly – he would have felt himself drowning, felt the water filling his lungs and choking him, felt himself begin to die long before he actually did.

He would have felt himself suffering.

Rin rejected any offers of a ride home, wanting to walk alone. He spent the silent trip home in a fog of disgust and melancholy. Disgust at Sousuke, because he had always been the “suffer in silence” type and never would have told anyone what was happening. Because he didn’t want anybody to help. Because he reacted so poorly to a comment that could have easily been forgotten – an awkward story shared later and laughed about, dismissed as a heat-of-the-moment confession.

A dark, childish part of him couldn’t help but think Sousuke reacted that way because he didn’t love Rin at all.

At home, Rin sat on his bed, resting his head in Gou’s lap. Despite her own grief, she helped her brother from the moment he got home, running a soothing hand through his hair and holding him for hours while he cried – even through his own tears he could feel her shaking and Rin knew that she missed him just as much as he did.

Rin did not attend the funeral.

From what he heard from his family, it was a closed casket affair ( _because he had no face left to look at_ , Rin thought bitterly, and the cruel bluntness of the thought sent him into sudden hysterics).

He didn’t speak to Haruka or Makoto, not even when the two came by his house to express their sorrow.

He had Gou turn away Rei and Nagisa, when the younger boy showed up in tears wanting to comfort them.

For several days after, Rin didn’t do much of anything.

Two months after Sousuke’s death, Rin stopped by Iwatobi. He hadn’t been to school in weeks. Gou brought his assignments and he completed them robotically. The teachers, if they cared, said nothing. Rin supposed there was something about the trauma of finding a childhood friend ( _childhood love_ , and he hates himself for thinking it) dead that allowed certain freedoms, and not going to the site of his death day-to-day was one of them.

Rin stood at the edge of the pool, looking down at the water. He hadn’t been able to swim since.

_Now two people I love in my life have drowned._

Rin spends a good hour staring at the gently lapping water and doesn’t move until he hears the clang of the metal door behind him, and for a fleeting second he thinks, hopes, that it’s Sousuke, holding a towel and smiling widely at him, ready for another practice.

Rin mentally chastises himself but when he catches a flash of dark hair his heart jumps into his throat and the first breathy syllable of his name escapes his lips, stopped cold when he sees who it really is.

It’s Sousuke’s mother.

Rin’s shoulder’s sagged. It would never be him again. He knew that. Sousuke was nothing but a pile of ashes under the ground. Suddenly, Rin was struck by the realization that he hadn’t even gone to the grave site yet.

“Hello, Rin,” she said. Rin could barely look her in the eye, and when he did, they seemed dull and glassy ( _just like his_ , and once again, he hates himself for thinking of the eyes that used to be so beautiful and by now have rotted out of his skull).

“Yes?” The brittle quality of his voice shocked him. It echoed in the empty room, and he could hear the numbness of the word every time it bounced back at him.

“I’m…I’m sure you heard of his heart problem?”

 _I can’t forget_.

It was hard, in Rin’s opinion, to forget how you murdered a childhood friend. One that, if he’d only kept his mouth shut, would still be alive. One that, if he hadn’t said what he said, would be here with Rin, instead of his mother, her once proud stature sunken down with grief. His selfishness shocked him. This wasn’t about him and never had been. This wasn’t the time to reflect on lost love, this was the time to let a mother share her misery over the loss of her child. His hands began to shake.

“Yes.” Rin hadn’t said more than two words in over a month. His vocal cords were raspy and harsh from underuse.

Sousuke’s mother said nothing for a long time. She merely looked at the water, the place where her only son died, and folded her hands behind her back.

For several minutes, it was silent.

“I knew.”

“What?”

“I knew,” she said again. “About his heart. I knew. We were giving him treatments and he’d p-promised to take the medicines and he was doing fine – just fine – and then you came back from Australia.”

 _And then you came back_. _And then you came back and you ruined everything, came back and killed him, came back and tore a family to pieces._

Rin’s thoughts, much like the tears running unnoticed down his face, came unbidden with every word she spoke.

“He knew you’d worry and he didn’t want you to stress over it because he knew he was dying, we all knew,” By now, she was openly crying, words sticking in her throat. “Maybe he could have lived a little longer if he listened to the doctors, but he knew how much you loved swimming with him as a boy and he wanted you to still have memories of him – ”

His mother suddenly grabbed him in a crushing embrace. Rin dispassionately noted her violent shaking and strangely deep cries, and all at once he realized that it wasn’t her that he was hearing, it was his own voice.

“I loved him.” Rin said softly, and the words were swallowed up by the cries of the woman before him. Thin and wavering, they tumbled through the air before falling flat against the cold tiled floors, shattering into a thousand pieces. Sousuke’s mother made no motion to indicate that she’d heard him. It was like he never spoke at all.

He thought back the first time they’d gone swimming, after Rin returned from Australia. How Sousuke looked, gently drifting in the water, cool drops of water running down his skin and disappearing into the band of his swimsuit. When Sousuke took off his goggles and threw his arm around Rin’s shoulder, laughing breathlessly with excitement, Rin wanted to tell him then and there that he loved him. Wanted so badly to be able to lean over and hold him and whisper the words in his ear, to tell him exactly how strongly he felt for the man who had gone from being his close friend to being his first love.

But Rin hadn’t.

And now he never would.

**Author's Note:**

> The summary lied. It's probably from swimming butterfly. But I can dream.
> 
> I based this off a Tumblr post (that I lost the link to like a little pleb tit) but it was about how Sousuke's habit of rubbing his shoulder could have been about a heart problem or something, and it was like the clouds parted and God himself reached down and planted the idea in my normally empty skull.
> 
> I hope you enjoy, and usually I'd direct you to my Tumblr, but I have no posts there at all yet because I just remade it for the third time. I mean, you can follow me if you want (the URL is the same and my AO3 username) but my fics come once in a blue moon and it's mostly anime and shit. So, yeah. Thanks for reading.


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